No shame here.  No apologies. Here I share my honest dark thoughts unfiltered.  I still have a teenager's fantasy of suicidal revenge. Terminal illness would work too. I would write short notes to anyone who ever abandoned me--- not just drifted apart, the ones who were integral in my life and became deliberately absent--- those … Continue reading The Great Revenge →

I'm always out of balance. Either I sleep too much and can't get up in the morning, or I wake up too early or am awake for a couple hours in the middle of the night. I try so hard to get my sleep schedule right but it never feels right. I want the regularity … Continue reading Goldilocks →

I am not sure if I have anything new to say. I know that I am still hurting. I know that I've buried the hurt, through the motions of everyday survival. It's a distraction. I run on fumes but i can't stop running because to stop is to feel and to feel is to open … Continue reading Repeat Play →

I'm not very good with idioms, but I have always been partial to the straw that broke the camel's back. This one I understand, this one I recite correctly, this one resonates. I know there is a lot good in my life --- I know that when people see my pics on social media, it … Continue reading The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back →

I thought I could keep all my relationships superficial, that's how I would protect myself. I would try to experience joy with others, and process pain in private. The compartmentalizing can often fail. While i might not seek to divulge, it's hard to be evasive, and the urge to unload, to reveal, to share- well … Continue reading Unseen, Unheard, Unsafe →

I'm presenting to the world, the best version of myself. I am debuting back into society after pandemic woes and incapacitating illness, and I want to put the bad behind me. I truly do. I'm leading this time. I don't want to confide my worst fears, I don't want to be vulnerable --- because it … Continue reading Self Harm Schism →

They tell me I have all this power. That determination and effort and commitment to values is all I need to find fulfillment and success and to overcome challenges in this life. I have been seduced by this thinking. This is the ultimate American neoliberal capitalistic - entitled belief... that our successes are all a … Continue reading Powerless →

This is how betrayal feels when you're already curled up in pain. They betray you by offering their support, by telling you the lies that they care, that all you need to do is ask and they'll be there. They offer generosity but when you let your guard down, when you assume you can reveal … Continue reading Betrayal →

This is the antithesis of all my years of therapeutic brainwashing. This is the antithesis of all of Eastern Philosophy and Western bastardization of Eastern Philosophy that tells us to have loving compassion for all others. This is a declaration that I've learned nothing from all of it, and yes, my anger, my bitterness, my … Continue reading People are Trash →

To mark the new year, 2021, I now pronounce myself dead.  No, I do not have the courage to follow through with my own suicide, but since it is apparent that I am invisible and irrelevant and unworthy of friendships or a place in society where my humanity is valued and respected, I hereunto forward … Continue reading Declared Dead →

In my solitude, I could just focus on survival… I could hate my body and mind and suffer in silence. But now, around others, I loathe myself in new ways, the reactions of those who love me refracting back to me feels more painful– the sense that every sentiment I communicate is tiresome, annoying, boring, … Continue reading Self-Loathing →

Friendships in times of Crises. How many crises can a person go through? How sustainable is it for anyone to support someone who is quite perpetually in crisis? I have always kept a wide circle of friends, in fact, often enormous as compared to others.  There is safety in numbers.  I thought by having friends … Continue reading Fucking up friendships →

Everything i feared and predicted came true, treated like trash and detained by police for trying to make an appointment to get a new mood stabilizer. In trying to get  myself safer.... my expressions of frustration and anger at the oppressive bureaucratic systems denying me care .... caused "mental health professionals" to treat me as … Continue reading What’s left? →

I find myself repeating the phrase no one takes me seriously. My friends don't take my physical incapacitation seriously, they minimize and invalidate my hardships and silence me with their self-absorbed envy and silver linings. The medical care system doesn't take my medical needs seriously, they don't return phone calls, or file paperwork for referrals … Continue reading Part 4: Serious Suicide Risk Catch- 22 →

I don’t want to talk to you for a check-in I don’t want your slew of inquisitive questions about my well-being Which instead of demonstrating a sense of concern Seems to be, you getting to look down on me and my life, from on top of your hill of privilege Sitting in judgment Weighing in … Continue reading Reassurance Report Card →